On freedom, choice and the pleasing of others

In order to enjoy life I think it is necessary to have friends. 

It is not uncommon to think that friends have expectations that we should satisfy as part of some social contract, or for the keeping of the peace or simply to please someone that we feel we ought to please. We sometimes, in this manner, act against our own best interests (as we might perceive them to be selfish), as a result of a sense of duty or out of guilt. 

I seek to demand nothing of my friends. I want no-one I know to be conflicted by a perceived expectation that I want something. All I ask for is a modicum of respect (e.g. "dont take the piss TOO much").

In this undemanding way I find life much more rational. I no longer, as I did in my youth, pursue the validation of others. Still, the opinions of those I like and love are important to me but here is the difference: the people concerned are all a bit like me - undemanding of their friends for the most part and not principally driven by the need for attention or validation.

I have made it my rule not to be judgemental, excepting of course when someone is deliberately hurting another where this is avoidable: holding dear the principle of "do no harm" is the only criteria by which I judge someone's morality.

I suppose that those that harm deliberately are just extreme in their individual belief in their sense of entitlement. Last time I checked, most of them are schoolyard bullies writ large. Its just an upgrade in the bullies demand from "Gimme yer chocolate!" to "Bleed/Suffer/Pay/Take That ya (insert derogatory expletive of choice)!"

It does not matter whether a person who makes an unreasonable demand is doing so in the setting of business, partnership, friendship or a mugging (in the playground or in the street): once you have given in, they wont be satisfied with less than compliance without at least a little conflict. 

I make a point of deliberately declining such demands, usually in good grace but certainly with significant assertiveness. I suppose it might be my father leaning over my shoulder, with me acting out the active part of the "I want doesn't get!" script but I don't think so. 

It feels more like self preservation.

A Funny Old Life

...and sometimes a little doggerell (for those who cant exercise a large one)

Rhyming in the dark.....

Sometimes when days are dark and drear

I wonder why we all are here

Requited loves debarred by fate

The unrequited doomed and chaste

The stale ones soldier on and on

Until the youngest child has gone

The pensioners whose daily spite

Seems to be their only light

As hissing disapproving whispers

Form drops of spittle on old whiskers

So why the power that love exerts

When living teaches us it hurts?

A Funny Old Life

More Cheaper Than A Phone Call

For those unfamiliar with the work of Pat Ingoldsby, his website may be of some assistance http://www.patingoldsby.com/ ... or even better, in fact much much betterer: go and buy some of his books. NOW.

More Cheaper Than A Phone Call

If you dip your finger into the sea

at Dollymount Strand

as far as I am concerned

you are making indirect contact

with India and Australia

and places like that.

Supposing that the woman you love

is in North Africa

and you are in Ireland.

You could both agree on an exact time

when to dip your hand into the Irish Sea

and she dips hers into the Mediterranean

and you both waggle them to and fro

sending ripples toward one another.

It is truly romantic and deeply symbolic

and you will never become pregnant

no matter how much waggling you do.

It will give you both

an acute sense of togetherness

unless a shark comes along

and bites off your fingers

while you are doing it.

Love Hurts.

Pat Ingoldsby

 

A thought at Christmas time

This is supposed to be the season to be jolly, or so the rumour goes. Why then are we not happy?

I look at my friends and acquaintances, some of whom are in pain or struggling with money, relationships, addictions or sadness. The ones who are suffering most seem to feel it most keenly at this time of year. As a society we seem to have a sub-conscious expectation that Christmas will make it all better, at least temporarily. 

For some it does bring joy and laughter and temporary surcease - those who can surround themselves with friends or loved ones - but for those struggling with loss and burdened by a heavy emotional load it often makes things much worse.

Have you ever spent christmas day on your own? And yes, I mean ALL of it - staying in the house, not meeting anyone, speaking to no one. I have, just once - many years ago. I never felt lonelier in my whole life.

So: if you have a friend who is going to be alone this Christmas, please think how that must feel. If you gain any insight at all then you may find that your food needs to stretch to one more guest.

A Funny Old Life